Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
