i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
