so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
