I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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