i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Dignity is for republicans.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
