So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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