Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
