Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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