I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
