Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
