This is not my ceiling
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
