Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
