I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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