Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
