I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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