Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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