I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
