Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
