I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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