I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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