OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
