i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
