she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
