I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
