I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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