My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
