hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just had sex on a roof
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
