Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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