does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
