I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
