yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
