if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
