Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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