dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
