the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
