I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I'm really busy with my period
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