I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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