community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
