TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
