when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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