He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
