He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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