Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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