we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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