I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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