When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
