He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
