I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
