I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I supernannyed him into submission
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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