dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
